Friday, November 05, 2004
-*drawn in blue*-
I led my meditations tonight. It was different than ever before but more productive because something changed. Real answer to real burning questions (see archive) came up on the spot and I could even open my eyes and watch the rationale form before me. In fact I should correct myself, pointing out that this is an entirely irrational source of information but I should note that I am only less than mid-way through my learning process.
I do not appreciate those that place themselves at the forefront of all concerns but I have but one choice now and that is to start hearing the deep layers of sound whisked before and furthermore, pay close attention and listen to the winds of change. I asked that which I would ask those never to ask me and was given all the right answers in the harshest way I could humanly fathom. This connection allowed me to open my eyes tonight and actually stare the replies of cold chill in the face, provoking them to my ears.
As clever as this title of this paragraph may seem it actually contains meaningful matter (har²). When I asked whether or not I try to make people happy, an observation I hold in favour of "yes", the answer was vague but somehow clear. Realistically I don't. I am fickle it seems, in favour rather of granting people the opportunities to have that which they want. Those wants are too short-term to establish even the roots of perpetual happiness and thus I am seemingly very wrong. Additionally, I haven't the foggiest idea of why I bother with this anymore. Said: Your changes do not accomplish anything. Harsh, slightly false from BeHumanization, but more-likely-than-not this is a infallible conclusion.
Unbeknownst to many, I actually do posses these. Although I may come off as a logical being of harmonious wit and dis-clarity (as most properly fits, adaptably), there are those that have come to enjoy my company and/or mores (yes this post promises to be a haven for strangely referenced literary ambiguity). So in light of recent events and heartfelt moments I'm going to drop the proper English in the following paragraph which, although skips to the next line, is still considered to be under this heading (perhaps not so strange right?).
Right so like I am really confused about something in my heart right now and it's causing a bit more distress than I'd like it to because I know what's going on in my head and "elsewhere" but no one's saying anything and it's going to boil over and I'm going to make the same mistake twice and will hate myself for letting that slip on by without making a move. It will most likely be detrimental to my mental health because I could really use a booster shot in the love department and I really don't find it funny or necessary to stand idly by not doing jack-squat about it.
But I probably will. Because I am stupid. And.. won't take the first steps in resolving anything. And.. I'll/we'll be right back at Square-One; miserable, confused, wondering what the hell is wrong with us and acting like it's all good and what-not. Someone please stop being stupid. Check, please.
*editor's note: Is this how denial works?*
Maybe I'm not as bogged down with work as others might be but I also consider my actions outside of academics to be rigorously difficult at times. While trying to prepare a D&D campaign for five whole days I will search the web, read snippets of old books I have laying around, page through the Monster Manual, and stare blankly at walls day-dreaming about the happiness NyQuil delivers in such small doses tossing about the idea of whether or not there will be a Lycanthrope in the next forest. Then there's FFXI. I don't take anything too seriously on there really, never completely did. Now that I am trying to form something serious the feelings come into play mixed in with spatterings of truths and the ever-progressive tomorrow (please take the hyphenated suffix extremely light. like toast that hasn't been in too long, or low-fat margarine. not like hydrogen blimps, cause i'm sure one of you enjoyed the hindenburg tragedy and would like to see my life turn out the same way. you're so nice to me, really).
Class has been alright but I have recently slipped into a coma devoid of psychological application or care for that matter. While I know I'm doing a bit more than "just enough" I still feel (and probably always will) that I could be doing a lot more (with my life) in terms of interests. As it is I forget to urinate sometimes and my bladder is going to remind me how poor a decision that was when I'm older. Even earlier while I was just lying there thinking about my meditations I was so lost in thought that I forgot I was supposed to be sleeping and thus here I am placing my words on page for my adoring (uh huh) fans at this early morning hour. Hey, at least it's Friday..
I think I've started the heading with this word before because I recall not liking what I wrote. I think it's more like "predictions" but that isn't exactly what I have in mind at the moment. Really it's nothing. Being a being of faith in something other-worldly (no god thanks), the discoverer of truths (all subjective by the way, sorry guys), the possessor of feelings and the bearer of workload, do I think really have time to even 'think' about tomorrow ?
Of course I do..
I digress. The point I am trying to put forth is unclear methinks; wishes, but more like wishful thinking (the question previously asked; see 'above'). And I've decided since I don't do what I am really trying to achieve by ways of making people happy then I ought to just be semi-selfish and state exactly what *I* want for a change. I sincerely doubt anyone actually knows because I am Private Fool.
And the blurb;
I want to wake up tomorrow and things to finally go my way. I don't want people to expect things from me, heck I don't even want to see some of these people. I want all my time to be for me. I want to let go of all the things I do for other people for just a little while to obtain my jaya. This would be one free of friendly responsibility and maybe, just MAYBE even a little love from someone from time to time, maybe even someone in mind. If I could only get this for just a little while, I might feel complete for a change instead of moping about thinking to myself all the things that could make my life better knowing fully that the things I can do, I don't, and the things I would do, I shouldn't, for reasons hidden somewhere in this text. I am really upset at the people involved sometimes. Some in a loving way and others in a fuck-off-get-outta-my-face way. Those involved know who they are and those involved who are unsure whether or not they are involved should probably read MUCH closer into this post to figure it out (it's not figuratively stated but rather very obviously). What do I have to do to get all this crap? Oh, I know - be a bigger asshole than I already am. Man I hate this.
But I don't want to end this post sounding sour although I will plainly state for the readers here than my previous paragraph is meant to start off in a cool sort of passive voice which slowly works it way up to a near tear-shedding cry-of-the-heart tone. I hope that clarifies things. I figured I ought to post this meaning here as soon as possible in hopes (never lost hope right?) that someone would figure it out and ask me how and what I feel. I think I may be ready to start opening up to someone. Maybe two people. V does an excellent job of listening but too often I wish she was someone else or someone with more experience than myself on certain topics I've put forth on this page. No, I am not looking for all the answers. I know they will come in time. But how much time am I willing to wait? Is it too soon to start asking? What about soul-seeking the last few queries at hand? Am I wrong to think that all this is slowly working against me and I am in fact my very own Secret Nemesis?? (more on this in a later post so hold that thought. those wishing to know earlier can contact me about it if they wish).
I think it goes against my better judgment to rush into questioning for one never fully grasps the answers at first glance anyway. Echoically I want to sense determine right or wrong but I also want to teach it among those people whom are deserving. I know of only one right now. If the time frame is situated than I am only working toward an end at a constant speed; time itself. But if it is forever moving, awaiting my departure time from Terminal Just-say-it, then I should probably put this off as long as I possibly can and gather all the evidence and decipher over that precursory time whether or not "all signs point to yes" (8-ball baby). I won't even bother stating where or when only that other people should KNOW right NOW that my DOOR is OPEN to those wishing to seek something from me before I TURN OFF the LIGHTS.
You were expecting maybe a typo? (tag question) Read on, it ends soon. Okay so dropping that English thing again since it suits me swell.
I'm going to go get warm under my covers now and nestle up all cozy-like and when I finally fall asleep I am actually going to wish (wish, you heard right again! *ding*) that what I want will actually happen tomorrow, or the next tomorrow, whichever tomorrow it is, but a soon one I hope (there's that again. yikes). But ya know, don't worry about it, don't feel pressured right? I mean, I have lotsa time to make my dreams come true. I'd just rather they happen sooner than later because it's been like two years now and like nothing has happened to improve the quality of my personal life, all drama from outside sources aside. I love the things I do when I'm there, or here, whichever makes more sense, and I want to keep doing that. Now I will go dream about all that which could possibly be and feel worse about it in the morning when I'm partying my Paladin and mumbling to myself how I hate chinese gil sellers.
Good luck to you too fellas. Tag my board sometimes.
Grey (4:43 AM)