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The Past

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Work has been rough this week. In general, anything school-related is a pretty bad thing in my book. Luckily, it's a small book with very few notes in it. Mostly I like to store knowledge in my head. I think I feel it's safer there. If there was a slim chance that people knew what I was thinking sometimes I would probably feel insecure most times. Yes.. even with such a low possibility of being unmasked I would shy away from many more people. Although, I don't think I shy away from people. I'm simply very selective about who I keep in touch with and choose to keep around.

There are the downsides of personalism (yes i'll refer to it as a terrible "-ism"). Where there is no harm done I would like to share feeling with people sometimes. I find it is most difficult to say anything at all because I don't have complete confidence in any of my immediate friends and that follows right on through to the tiers of lesser friends and so on. Too often I feel that it is a shortcoming of my own that I do not secure friends as I would prefer them to be secured. But I have felt vastly more familiar with the notion that I have yet to find the people I can fully express myself too.

While there have been numerous occasions to burst out into what I would call a "sadist remark session", I have maintained a fair level of reservation. Flashes of madness will come over me and I will wish for that time only to hurt a certain someone very badly. An inner tiger seizes my soul and captivates me until the music of real life plays it's mellow tune in my ear. Soothing, comforting.. I remember what I have now and would not want anything more for myself. I have all that I want and I have received all that I needed. Fin fin~

Now about the other day when I was in a state of ever-flux with the world around me. I felt alive and ready to take on the world that night and I sat at my computer and attempted to do as much. I psyched up and was writing a fantasticly over-done paper for my psychology class and I couldn't handle it. I decided I wouldn't give them something they didn't deserve. I held backspace diligently, destroying all trace evidence of anything that could even be remotely described as a Results section. So I didn't tell anyone. I just played it off like I couldn't concentrate, which I just couldn't. And maybe it'll affect my grade and I'll do worse than I could have done, but I don't care. If I was a kite, I'd be so high on life, you'd never see me.

In closing I would like to remind old readers, and bring up to new readers an old saying that can be found somewhere deep in the annals of DeHuman..

When going
it looks as
though you're
going in

Grey (2:00 AM)

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