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The Past

Monday, November 15, 2004

After reading Xerlic's post I felt as though I hadn't posted in awhile on my own interests so I thought I'd do that lately. I should be asleep, as I told my love I would, but I'm sure she won't be too mad at me for giving her something to read in the morning. So here goes..

blooming acquaintance
I'm not a huge fan of mentioning other people in my blog post but I felt that this time it was warranted and to protect the identity of the individual I will refer to him as "Doc" (yeah that ought to do it). In some ways I felt as thought he is not much different from many of the people I dealt with last semester but something about him speaks more words than the page can handle. He's a cool guy - a real person with real problems and anything that could be construed as "fake" about him he is at a complete loss for. So I've come to realize that there are still people in this world that I can befriend even through the medium of a video game. Sometimes you hope that your own personal life does not get tossed into the mix of a one-way conversation, but over time, and the acquisition of confidence from that person, you open up just a tiny bit after realizing that the two of you aren't very much different. Thanks.

tiny bubbles
Lately the life of the miser has become more appealing and with the ways my life has been changing lately I feel as though I should have had more responsibility all along. I'd like to give a harsh appreciative "thanks" to all the people who have tried to make my life more difficult for me since the start of the semester. Mostly I have grit my teeth, grinned and bared it. This is a good thing in the end though. Perhaps if I had learned how to actually live my life correctly the first time I would not have these particular issues floating over my head. The main issue is my situation from two perspectives. The first is monetary, the second is housing. I think I'll just escape and shade everything I needed to see before I ever see it. Two weeks isn't such a long time, no?

couer d'ombre
This paragraph was originally going to be in french but it's too damn early in the morning to be thinking about another language. I was going to say that only now realizing BeHuman for what it is, or at least another portion of the carrot cake, I have only just begun to adjust myself in my ways, thought, and emotions. I am a proverbial scatter-diagram of mischief and wonder now and it is still very difficult to say all the things in my heart as I wish to say them exactly. In time I will grow happier and let go of some of the past along with it. Things inside me still ache sometimes and I will need time to prepare myself for the future. For this, I am glad to still have much time, although it pains me just the same to imagine that same length of time away from you. It's cool. We'll hang out 'til then.

Over the last few posts and days I have expressed myself in ways more human than I have in years. My words, thoughts, and opinions have been tossed out into the open to fuel the fire of my present wants and desires. In striving to be closer to you all than I had originally expected I have thought about retracting so many of my statements of honesty. In some ways it is a mini-regret to have said some things recently and I will most likely become the hermit(crab!) I once was and become one with the wind again. I have asked and received all the answers I wanted and resolved all the fears I have had. Additionally, I have become free from the chains of the person by shackling myself down in place; a place I cannot feel I never wanted to be in. So I am happy and that is that. I am happy for those who are happy, at least at this time (heh..). Continue living your lives and stopping by to read the weekly JSL. By the way, Xerlic has assured me of a JSL guest entry that he has been preparing for some time now. Maybe if you all nudge him (a lot), he'll post it by Tuesday.

In the end the spirit is a fickle deserver. Exhibit A will be splashed in with the momentary flickering of hope. Lift your head to see the light of day or flee the scene - as you wish. Take advantage of the new night each time it is presented on the slate of grey and white. Cold, moonlit nights will take you from your place of slumber and drive you up into the sky to see all, not for all to see. Freedom is not a right, but rather a necessary and deserved proponent within all men equally. When you cease your thoughts to ask yourself 'Why?' see only that it is unimportant and decided rather to ask your 'How?'. At least, I feel, this is more suitable for the time that and in which we live. Infinite regression of the queries will lead you only down the path of nihilism and flabbergast. Lift your head to see the light of day.

aspects of closure
As the clock chimes closer to 4 it is about that time to cease all the nonsense and rest my head upon the pillow. Someday we'll all get what we want, just not in the form we were expecting. For all those who have seen what they want and taken it by the arm, never stop pulling. Grab onto what you want and keep it as close to your heart as you can. If you want it you can have it and nothing should stand between you and your love.

To those who understand and those who wish they understood and must ask the ones who understand how to understand it at all, thank you. Be yourself and good things will happen to you. If they don't, hit alt+f4 and try again at the tone.

Grey (2:51 AM)

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