Friday, June 24, 2005
Here I am once again at a time in my life where decisions must be made. Crucial, dire decisions, I ask myself? Some, maybe. Others, not-so-much. I would like certain things to occur but they won't just yet. Heck, I'd like the school system to be reformed into something logical and understandable to me, but it won't happen.
That reminds me though--classes are almost over now and things are looking good in that neck of the woods but where I am going in the Fall is still somewhat in the air. I know by next weekend I will have applied somewhere already so I'm not worried. The outcome I am worried about. In any case, whatever.
The feelings I've been experiencing lately are a caustic mixture. Impatience, anxiety, anger, love, acceptance, frustration, indecision. I'm back to having tension headaches every few hours again. Therapy is doing wonders on my back and posture, but physically I am still feeling like total shit when under pressure (which it seems is almost always). I know I am supposed to be the strong one, but in comparison to, or for who exactly? I live for myself nowadays and let me be the first to admit it sucks. I appreciate my loneliness and "me" time, but after a couple weeks it gets old and I regress to a state of boredom.
I've taken out my feelings on some, been comforted by another. Thank goodness I have one friend I can really talk to about what I am feeling. It's not that my old friends, my guy friends, aren't willing to listen or be helpful, it's just.. they're preoccupied. I remember the days when friends used to really want to be there for each other and could make time. Now that's just not possible and being home I feel like I have even less than I felt I did a month ago. Sometimes I want to cry. Maybe that's always. I don't. I don't think about it enough to start doing anything about it. This can't be what life is. Denial. This shouldn't be the way it has to be. Rejection. I'm not normal I never was. Why can't I just be content with the way things ought to be..?
Life is so short and it's not what they all told me it was going to be like. They said "you can be whatever you want to be if you put your mind to it." Lie #1. They said "if you do good things, you will be rewarded for them." Lie #2. They said "dreams can come true." Lie #3? It's seeming that way more and more as the time passes. I don't have anywhere to go, anyone to party with, anyone to talk to that cares or has anything insightful to say or share in return. Whatever they said it never mattered because since they said it, the world changed.
Every night I go to bed exhausted, having already been tired for two or three hours prior to that and looking for ways to distract myself from the task of lying down which brings with it too much time to think about all the things that pain me as a human being. Is that what it is? Humanity? There is probably nothing more I sometimes wish I could purge from my entire body because of the overwhelming amount of pain, fear, and suffering I've experienced emotionally because of it. I heard them ask once "when's it gonna be my day?" and it never came. Will mine? Will I be ready or even notice? Or will it pass me by? Has it already? Hmm.
I rub my temples. I drag my feet all the way from my chair to my bed and climb up onto the little foot ladder and hit the sheets. Nothing feels as bad as this. Going to bed every night in pain and waking up every morning as if I had closed my eyes for an instant only to be five hours in the future, the sun up, the birds chirping, and feeling not one bit rested. I don't think I sleep. I haven't had a dream in weeks, not since I have been home. I believe I just go into stasis until my cell phone alarm rings alerting me to go to class at 10:30am every morning.
Grey (2:09 AM)