Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Getting my life in order never seemed so difficult.
Now that summer session is mid-way through, the decision to apply to a new university for the fall must be made within the next week or so. I'm not worried so much about the decision as I am about the accepting. I don't know why I am still pursuing this career I've "chosen". I figure it fits the story of my life having never gotten anything I truly wanted deep down. I am always settling, indecisive, or confused. Life never gives me enough time to make a real decision and the more I think about the decisions I have to make, the faster the fuse of time seems to burn down. I can extinguish only moments before a catastrophe.
I've heard words I've wanted to hear. Mom is still distant. I tell her things and she only half pays attention again. The majesty of coming home is over. Dad and I aren't talking (as I forsaw). I still don't know my sister but that doesn't phase me much. I barely have a relationship with my own dogs yet they are always happy to see me when I go to the house, which is rarely. I wouldn't want to underestimate the time I spend in my new place.
Last Monday I started physical therapy to alleviate the constant pain I've been experiencing in my lower back up to my neck. So far I've had two sessions and they have been magical. I feel much better, like I can run a marathon or something. I'm taking it one step at a time now, as during the healing process it is also very easy to reinjure one's self. I get treated again on Friday, early morning, and can't wait to finally have all this tension and probably the cause of my everyday headaches be soothed away.
Life is still a struggle and lately feeling physically good but mentally shitty sends mixed messages to my psyche. It is as if I am confused about being confused. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I'm really tired of this life. There is no such thing as freedom and happiness seems like an unreal lollipop the flavor of which no one can tell you for they've never had the pleasure of tasting one.
One last thing I thought I'd mention; a story. I am currently writing up a complete twenty-chapter work. It is a bit different from JSL but it is centered around a single character. I've decided to implore a nev literary device--the obtuse narrator (look it up, it's cool). To some it may seem strange at first, but I think you guys will take a liking to the story. Anyways, toodles.
Grey (2:11 PM)
Rehuman² [Civil Afar]
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