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The Past

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Tomorrow is the last day of class for this summer session. I really powered through the last few assignments and I feel good about three out of four of them, which is good. Surely I cannot anticipate everything that will happen exactly but the future is very slowly starting to assemble itself.

An old friend contacted me a couple of nights ago and we spoke for a few hours about the past and how we felt about things and whatnot. I remember feeling very fake toward this person in the past. I acted like someone who I used to be instead of who I was exactly because I wasn't sure how to be accepted. But the past few times we've met, I was able to show my true nature. Somehow this conversation seemed to begin as a tabula rasa and all over again I went through the developmental stages of my relationship with him from immature speech to fluent, sophisticated discussion revealing my every pore to him. I felt like we were back to being the friends it took us years to work up to for whatever reason. I blame myself for acting foolishly, but when I first encountered this guy, I was still discovering myself and it seemed only appropriate to put on a mask to meet the masks we meet.

Since I was young my philosophies have changed, hell I've even created a few of my own. That aside for another day, I want to return from my digression and actually stay on topic tonight--things are very slowly starting to assemble themselves. Tomorrow afternoon I mail out all my college applications for the fall, ahead of deadline thankfully. So school is taken care of assuming one of these two schools will accept me. It looks ok to me. The next thing is that now that classes are over I'm thinking about devoting some time to getting in shape. I haven't really played FFXI this week at all, maybe total 5h logged on time, because I had so many final projects and take-home essay exams to write up that I just couldn't fit it into my schedule. I may start going to the gym or jogging awhile first. Whatever I choose, I want to lose about sixty to eighty pounds for myself and for the future and I want to do it the right way. On top of all that, I am going to start looking for a job heavily again starting Tuesday of next week since Monday is a holiday. So: school, health, job. I think I have my priorities in order. The next two months will probably define who I am trying to be as a person and I hope that for once I have the support of my family to do what is necessary..

inner monologue: You know, all bullshit aside Grey, you really don't need their approval to do jack-crap. You get up in the morning, do you work, buy your own food, live your own life, and what influence do they have on you? Little to none. You don't even care what your mom thinks or says and your dad? He never has anything to say except when he's barking orders at you to do shit he can do himself and was doing himself before you started living back home after four years of dorm-life. So what exactly do you mean? Oh, I know. You mean you're a moron, I get it, very funny. Get over it.

to get myself on track and moving. I know that without firm ground to stand on I can't begin to lay the foundation for anything. So my first couple of tasks are to establish myself as a tool of society because there never was a choice and no matter how much I fight against it, I'll never be the individual that mommy intended me to be. Oh how sad it is when a childhood of motivational speeches telling me I can be whatever I want to be when I grow up turns out to be the biggest lie an adult could ever tell a child that sucks at everything, especially life.

As the wheel turns
the cog winds up.
Oh humanity.
How difficult it has become
to Rehuman.

Grey (3:51 AM)

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