Monday, August 29, 2005
Honestly I can't think of a good title for this post. I feel in such a way that I can't describe. I got something I wanted but like I've said in the past post or two, I just can't seem to be ..excited? interested? I can't even find the words and so I didn't know what to name the post either. I sense something is not right. Inside of me I know that what I am doing is the right thing, but my heart is misplaced. I can't stop thinking about other things. So many things. If I were to say exactly what some of those things are, I say some because I don't think I know all of them, I know nothing would change. I know it would cause problems. I am dealing in absolutes now. I am using the word 'I' a lot.
I haven't felt this distant from myself in many years. I can remember a time when I had things in focus. Even though I couldn't see them clearly, I know how to get to them because the path was set; there was only one way. I used to be a dreamer. Now I feel as though everything is a nightmare. I am so lonely and I wish I had something to hold onto. I don't know what to say anymore. Am I unhappy about school? Am I in love? Am I scared of the future? Am I feeling regret for the past? I don't know the answers to any of these questions and there are ways to find them, but the circumstances are all messed up.
I want to say that I will keep on living and not worry about anything. I know it's a lie to some degree. Of course I worry. I am becoming slowly more human inside everyday and I think that is the point. Feeling this way, not devoid of certain emotions, is something I don't think I like. I want to regress sometimes. Maybe it's all the time, I really don't know that either. Dehuman. I don't think I want to BeHuman but I know that this is leading up to it.
Years ago life was so much easier. It is not as if things has necessarily become more complicated, but rather that they have become so far uncomplicated that there is no longer any reason to wake up in the morning other than to play a few games. Now that school is starting I was hoping I was experience some renewed sense of well being, some heightened glory for setting myself back on the path of achievement, some great thing that I always wanted and finally got. But I am realizing more everyday that it is my life, my destiny, to lead this life; this depressing life. It is just who I seem to be. Without a woman, or a reason, or a calling, I am nothing because I have nothing. I am the perfect shade of complete blackness and that which is calling out to me with promising words. I am Grey. I am me. That is me.
No longer can I open my eyes completely. I've noticed this many times I've looked in the mirror. It has even been pointed out to me by a friend and even my own mother who I rarely see face-to-face anymore. I don't speak above a whisper to myself or anyone else. I am constantly the victim of 'what? speak up!' and I don't how to take that. I feeling like becoming more human is to become less of me. But what am I? Just Grey then? Le couer d'ombre? I love what am I but it doesn't seem like anyone is telling me the same anymore. I feel inadequate. I feel lost. I feel everything about regret without feeling regret, though I cannot say I am actually regretful for anything. I look at where I am now, physically, and can't bring myself to want less of this. How does one get what he wants and still manage to feel nothing? I know. Because I still don't have what I truly want. Companionship. That feeling you have when you wake up next to someone you really love. Maybe that's it. But maybe if I had that, I'd find that wouldn't be it either. But I think that's it. Nothing is ever completely certain in my mind anymore. Except that I have to pee, that is usually pretty certain.
A year from now, I'm going to promise myself that I have a piece of something that I want. Yes, about ten months from now to be optimistic. But will it get me anywhere I want to be? Just because I have accomplished something I want to finish and not really do. I wish I could say I had a new hope. I wish I could say tomorrow will be different. I wish I could say I knew exactly what I wanted and what others wanted. If I could be there for you, I might. And if I knew what was going on anywhere I could try to understand the situations.
Here I am.
Lost but not quite broken.
Wandering through world,
meandering through the days.
for something to strike the match and light the fires of hope.
For what it's worth,
it's worth waiting for.
Such is the way of perfection.
A balance of the best in you
with the worst in you.
All because the world is gray.
Grey (1:04 AM)