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My mental functions seem to be breaking down as well as my keyboard. Which reminds me; I must order a new one after this post or after I study after this post. Or something. Anyhow, life has been seeming more stressful than usual because the semester is getting along, but after taking this really silly stress test, it turns out I'm not as stressed as I thought I was. So psychologically, while I am aware that I am still indeed stressed, the results of the silly test that stated otherwise have caused me to fall back on them and agree that I must not be as stressed as I thought I was or think I am or whatever. I'm not smiling about it or anything but getting through the day isn't as hard when you aren't struggling with the world. So I stayed in today. That usually helps ease the pain once every three or four weeks.
Life often seems as if it is an unchanging routine adorned with exams and quizzes every so often, both academic and worldly. Having had to take an introductory psychology class this semester, I felt as though my education was actually regressing. The class format includes no tests of any kind instead replacing the midterm and final with a group project. My group just "completed" the first project, by which I mean I just completed the project and my grade was less than desirable to say the least. I had a chat with my professor about it, trying not to insult her method of teaching a freshman class, from a senior's perspective. She agreed that the situation I am in, that is, with a lack of motivated post-high school students (I won't call them freshman--that would be a compliment), will not bode well on my grade. Long story short, I got my grade bumped up some ridiculous amount and dropped my group and joined another group with a bunch of really motivated students who all got A minuses on their midterm project.
Personal stuff is definitely lacking as of late. I don't know what I did to destroy my personal life (as if there ever was any anyway). Actually I sorta know what I did to one person, but apparently making up for it won't happen so I've just about given up on that. Though it could turn at any time if that person were willing to talk to me and listen to what I had to say. Eh, whatever. My life is full of enough things I don't like and trying to correct them all would take quite awhile; time I really don't have to spend/waste.
Talking about FFXI is boring so I won't bother. I don't even like thinking about it anymore when I'm alone so I'll just skip it.
About the story..
Yes, because I know you all would rather hear about the story than about my life anyway (me too by the way). I'm not sure if anyone really copies them into text files and tries to read them in order, but if you do, you might see where the story is coming from. Jacob, who isn't a very observant guy, doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about the things he should think about. Something you might not notice until later on (and I'm sort of reluctant to give away) is that there are strange time gaps between the chapters of unknown amounts of time. Well, sometimes you know the amount of time between events, and sometimes you don't. Why is Mia's story, the one she speaks of in Chapter 16, so bland? I don't know. Maybe you were expecting some else? No it's actually quite common crap, because the characters are common and make the same mistakes everyone else does. They put their two cents where it doesn't belong, they talk about other people to each other behind their backs, they generally hate the world but they don't know why, because it's not like anything bad has ever really happened to them. People are a victim of their own circumstances and choices sometimes, so the characters will be faced with the same--tribulations brought upon them by themselves. Sucks for them, don't it? Anyway, post coming up probably... I wanna say... this weekend... but we'll see. Hang in there.
Jacob woke to his alarm clock and a simultaneous knock on the door; in his dreams that is. No one ever really came to visit Jacob, so when he knew that that wasn't really happening, he also knew he was going to be very sour for the rest of the day because Saturday was definitely his favorite day of the week.
As he sat up in bed, realizing his blanket was upside-down again, he sighed and wondered what he would do. He didn't want to go to work and in fact, even if he did want to go to work, he was already several hours late. See, Jacob was scheduled to work at 10am that morning and it was already 2:32 in the afternoon. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, letting them hang down off the bunk. He grabbed for his cell phone but it was dead.
"Gee." He paused and sighed again. "Even if they called me, I wouldn't know." He didn't really care, and leaped off the mattress, landing flat on his feet and feeling the burn is his still-wakening thighs. He walked over to his desk and tore another sheet off the calendar, realizing that he was several days behind on that. Summertime wasn't his brightest couple of months and without anyone to tell him what to do now, he didn't much care for the things happening in the outside world. He plugged in and turned on his cell phone and laid it on the desk next to a glass of warm, flat Coca-Cola left over from the night before, or maybe even several nights ago.
He swept up and took out the garbage, trying to give himself a sense of accomplishment. He thought about what had transpired before today, much as he had done everyday. He started to feel a growing pea of guilt, but instead of dealing with it, he simply let it rot in the back of his mind and at the bottom of his heavy heart. He heard the phone ring inside and took his time getting to it, not really caring who it was. He had an inkling it was his job and knew he'd ignore it in that case anyway.
As he approached his desk the screen showed up 'Dexter'. "Man", he thought. "Do I really wanna talk to him today?" Probably not. He let it forward to voice mail and sat at his desk, staring at his laptop flashing that it needed to be restarted for it had downloaded and installed Windows updates overnight. "Whatever." He decided to just turn it off and picked up his phone to call Brad. He really wanted to call Mia but he knew he would later anyway and if he had called her first, there's no way he'd get away from her for the rest of the day. At least that's how he wanted to feel about it, but inside he sorta wanted her to do that to him; keep him caged and tell him what to do, just because it was easier that way.
Brad picked up right away, as usual, because he was also very bored at this time of the day.
"Hey man, didn't go to work?"
"Nah."
"Heh. I see. So what you wanna do?"
"I was thinking about going to the mall."
"I could tag along for awhile. You know how busy I am and all on a Saturday." Brad said this very seriously to be sarcastic.
"Yup, that's why I calledja." Jacob's voice rose in acknowledgement of Brad's reply.
Brad sighed on the other line and Jacob could here some rustling of paper going on or something similar.
"Alright man. I'll pick you up in an hour?"
"Yeah Jay, that's good. I'll see you then."
"Alright cool. Later."
"Later."
It only ever took two minutes for Jacob to make plans and he didn't feel so sour anymore. Everything was pretty simple and he always got what he wanted. Thinking about that, he called Mia. The phone was already ringing before he knew it. What clockwork were his plans!
"Hey Jacob!" Mia's voice hit a peak and it warmed Jacob's heart a little. He thought about being sappy and whether or not he really cared about her. He thought a million things. He thought about what had transpired before today, just as he had done everyday, and hoped things would changed subtly, yet still manage to stay the same.
"Hey babe. Whatchoo up to?"
"I was just thinking about you..." Her voice drifted off in a teasing fashion. Then she paused a moment and Jacob waited obediently, knowing there was more and it wasn't his turn to speak.
"I love you Jacob. I really do. There's so many things I wanna share with you but I can't always find the words." He wanted to speak right now and say the same exact thing, but he felt it would be inappropriate.
"I got your gift and it was everything to me. You finished the puzzle! E-y-e, the little heart symbol, and then y-o-u! I have to admit I saw this coming Jacob. But the necklace is complete now. I'm so happy." He could feel her from the other side of the phone, knowing she was doing that cute thing taking the hand placed on her hip and poking the air as she spelled out all the letters. That last heart symbol sealed the deal and he knew it.
"I'm glad you like it babe." Why did he always call her that?
"Of course I did silly. Now you should come over later and get your present." She giggled and then went on to ask, "So what are you doing today?"
"Nothin'. Going to the mall to pick up some stuff. I'll swing by later and hang out. Your mom home today?"
"Is she ever home? No." Mia said this as if it was the only possible answer to her own question.
"Alright. See ya then babe." Just as he was taking the phone away from his ear he heard a faint "I love you." He paused and looked at the phone, then placed it back on his ear to say it back, but she had already hung up.
Saturday Night.
"Alright man see ya later." said Brad as he shut the car door. Jacob nodded and drove away, wondering why he ever went to the mall. He never picked up chicks even though he could've. He thought maybe he just wanted to be around people. Eh, he didn't really want to think about himself. He was going over to Mia's house now and that was all that really mattered. At least he scored some hash. He thought maybe he'd tell her how he really felt this time. Yeah. That's what he'd do. He thought about how he felt for the fifteen minute ride to New City, not knowing he had a look of determination on his face the whole time.
When he arrived, he pulled all the way up the driveway and the porch light came on. Mia ran out to him and jumped into his arms, all blonde, blue-eyed, and 121 pounds of her. Man. He got everything he wanted. She started talking about what she had done that day, which was pretty much meaningless banter to him. He wasn't sure how much he cared that she fed and walked the dog and saw this cool commercial on her new Sony Plasma television. They sat down on the couch and only then did he really start paying attention.
"Jacob. I feel like I owe you something." As she said this she clutched the necklace under her chin, extending it outwards as if to tear if off. She went on.
"You mean so much to me in such a short time, and if you hadn't been there for me when I needed someone to be, I don't know what I would've done that night."
He stroked the bangs on the left-side of her face behind her ear and placed his hand behind her head. He pulled her into his chest gently and kissed the top of her head.
"There's something I need to tell you though and I need you to understand me."
"Alright Mia. Anything." He was so intently listening to every word she was saying. He felt as though, when he was around her, he was in a different world, on a different plane of existence where she was a goddess and he was her only servant.
"I'm not good with feelings. I've been burned so many times before and I don't know how to manage how I feel anymore. Ya know?" He nodded solemnly and began to stroke the hair back on the top of her head, much like how an owner would pet his kitten.
"I think you'll understand Jacob. I love you, but I don't how much. I want to love you forever, but there's just something on my chest that is so heavy that every time I think about it, I can't breathe."
"What is it Mia?" As he said this she sat up and took his hand and stared him straight in the eye. He felt that if he blinked he'd be no better than anyone else that had burned her.
"I think about you all the time Jacob and I can't wait to see when you say you're coming over or we make plans. Come away with me Jacob. I can't stay here. That guy.. My ex.." She broke her stare and started to look away slowly. Jacob desperately wanted her to finish. He shook their embraced hands sitting on his lap and got her back.
"I think he's coming after me Jacob. I don't want to endanger you. I want you to come away with me Jacob. Far, FAR away. I've got to do it. I can't tell my mom. I've got got.. got all this money saved and I know we can make a start somewhere else."
"Mia I.." Jacob stuttered in his mind. A cold feeling came over his entire body.
"Jacob!" She clutched his hands tighter and shook them almost violently. "You've got to. If I can't have you, then I don't want to live without you."
Jacob sighed a heavy, heavy sigh. He thought for what felt like five minutes but was really more like seven seconds.
"I have to think about it Mia. I really want to. God, nothing in the world would be better than that. I can't think of anything I'd want more than you and me together, and for you to be safe and happy and get everything you want." Her eyes lit up like the Fourth of July.
"So you'll do it?! You'll come with me? Please, please say you will Jacob. I love you." And as she said that, she reached her arms around his body and held him tightly. Jacob's heart was filled with more joy at that moment than he thought possible. She held him there for five whole minutes which seemed to Jacob like hours, and he enjoyed every second of it. After that five minutes, she looked at him dead in the eye, hopped up on his lap and threw off her shirt and went at his mouth with tongue so furious.
Jacob knew he was going to have to think about this for a long time. After she'd cum several times, Jacob got off and laid with Mia on her bed.
"I'm going to have to think about this Mia, but I think no matter what, I'll do it."
"Jacob." She paused for a minute, then rolled over and placed her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. "Let me know in a week. I need to know Jacob. I need to know." With each 'I need to know' her voice became more serious. He knew what he had to do. He kissed her on the top of her head again, and then nuzzled his hand under her chin, bringing it to his, and kissed her on the lips. He got up and got dressed.
"I'll let you know babe." As he said this he smiled. After putting on his shoes he kissed her again, his goddess just lying there naked. Happy. He got in his car and drove home, knowing he'd have to spend a couple days away from her.
After arriving home, he checked his cell phone for messages. He never took that stupid thing with him. Just one from Dexter. There was a party on Friday and apparently Jacob was the guest of honor, though Jacob knew that that's probably what Dexter said to everyone he called to tell about that party. He figured he'd go. But now, what to do 'til then? 'Til Friday, when he knew Mia'd be there even though he knew she had to keep a low profile. Tomorrow was Sunday. Oh Sunday. His favorite day of the week.
~Seven Times Once, Chapter 16
Nothing feels right and I've begun to close all these doors around me.
Paranoia? maybe..
Fear? doesn't feel like it..
Hatred? still not capable of hating..
Perhaps it's a combination of trying to do the right thing, but in the wrong way. I'm sorry that I just don't know how I feel right now. Something inside me is acting upon my conscience and is having me do things I wouldn't normally do. Does this make sense? It should.
I want to leave and go somewhere where I don't have a history. Somewhere I don't know anybody and vice versa. Day in and day out I still feel this nihilistic existence thick in my veins, like clots behind which pressure builds up so intensly, I really feel as though I'm going to explode and if not, that my only alternative is to melt away into nothingness, which is an interesting concept; nothingness, not melting.
I am really too tired to discuss this at any length or in any detail, but I remember having long conversations about it once. Nothingness. Yet there is no somethingness. Maybe we're all really just bored with reality. Getting what we want no longer seems to entertaining. Fuck those people that just get with others to get what they want. Fuck those people that act a certain way to get what they want. Fuck all the fake people, and all their fake friends, and all their fake cell phones, and their fake ideas of what a person really is. And you know what else? Fuck all those people for not being themselves and doing what they want, and feeling caged by the stricture of what other people expect of them and want them to do and whatever the fuck else.
It's sad to say, but I think I'm the most real person I know. Years and years I've tried to make friends with people who weren't fake and all that shit, but every single one of them has something fake about them. Even me at times, I've had to be fake to a select person or two. But is that the world? No. I'm talking about the people that live in fakeness. They covet plastic surgery, and jewelry, and crap like marriage that doesn't last cuz they don't "love" eachother, and other dumb crap such as dressing their dog up in winter clothing when it obviously has fur, and watching television like E! or wanting to know everything about celebrities and yadda yadda yadda.
What the fuck is wrong with people? What's on the inside isn't important anymore. It's just how you attractive you are on the outside and nothing else. No one wants to have conversation, or hang out, or go on dates. They just wanna fuck. Used and be used for their own pleasure and their own painful downfall. That's fine. Just don't involve me. World, I hate you.
With love,