Thursday, October 06, 2005
Lately it seems as if I've been spinning out of control, but that can't be the case. I must be spinning into control, no? Who knows..
Nothing feels right and I've begun to close all these doors around me.
Fear? doesn't feel like it..
Hatred? still not capable of hating..
Perhaps it's a combination of trying to do the right thing, but in the wrong way. I'm sorry that I just don't know how I feel right now. Something inside me is acting upon my conscience and is having me do things I wouldn't normally do. Does this make sense? It should.
I want to leave and go somewhere where I don't have a history. Somewhere I don't know anybody and vice versa. Day in and day out I still feel this nihilistic existence thick in my veins, like clots behind which pressure builds up so intensly, I really feel as though I'm going to explode and if not, that my only alternative is to melt away into nothingness, which is an interesting concept; nothingness, not melting.
I am really too tired to discuss this at any length or in any detail, but I remember having long conversations about it once. Nothingness. Yet there is no somethingness. Maybe we're all really just bored with reality. Getting what we want no longer seems to entertaining. Fuck those people that just get with others to get what they want. Fuck those people that act a certain way to get what they want. Fuck all the fake people, and all their fake friends, and all their fake cell phones, and their fake ideas of what a person really is. And you know what else? Fuck all those people for not being themselves and doing what they want, and feeling caged by the stricture of what other people expect of them and want them to do and whatever the fuck else.
It's sad to say, but I think I'm the most real person I know. Years and years I've tried to make friends with people who weren't fake and all that shit, but every single one of them has something fake about them. Even me at times, I've had to be fake to a select person or two. But is that the world? No. I'm talking about the people that live in fakeness. They covet plastic surgery, and jewelry, and crap like marriage that doesn't last cuz they don't "love" eachother, and other dumb crap such as dressing their dog up in winter clothing when it obviously has fur, and watching television like E! or wanting to know everything about celebrities and yadda yadda yadda.
What the fuck is wrong with people? What's on the inside isn't important anymore. It's just how you attractive you are on the outside and nothing else. No one wants to have conversation, or hang out, or go on dates. They just wanna fuck. Used and be used for their own pleasure and their own painful downfall. That's fine. Just don't involve me. World, I hate you.
Grey (2:03 AM)