Thursday, December 15, 2005
With the semester having come and gone, and the holidays quickly approaching us, people being to smile. Everyone is so, for lack of a better word, merry. The looks on their faces and the glints in their eyes allude to something happy and new. I can't help but feel different though.
I feel as though I've missed out on something these past fews months. Everyone around me has changed in some way and I guess so have I. I know I'm not the kind of person to have regrets but I am the type to get down about things easily. I wish I could reach out, touch something, and be whole again.
Since June, maybe even May, I've felt apart from world. I have felt this before but never so strongly. I left behind good friends. I tried to keep contact at first, visit them when I could, but things collapsed. I don't remember exactly when or why I did it. I tried to personalize my life. I tried to take responsibility. For the first time in my life I really succeeded at something I was trying to accomplish, in my heart, for myself. But to what end? To become an introvert, to spend my spare time in front of a computer playing games, wishing for things I don't really want. A hope. An idea. Something I can't touch.
I remember just two years ago how so different my life was. I could go out. I could hang out. I could socialize. I could dream.
Now I have myself. My good grades are a testament to that. My internet is out and I find myself lost in my own mind, thinking what if all those planes that I wish I could have visited were real. I stop myself. I realize I am still caught up in my old dreams.
People tell me I have to grow up, change my life, become an adult. Well, I am an adult; I just don't think like one. What does it mean to be an adult? No one ever told me. Finish college and get a job. That's all they've ever said. I am supposed to fill in all the blanks. My friends were a crutch for awhile, the ones back at school, but I stopped seeing them. I needed to be on my own and think on my own, but all I kept thinking about in the back of my mind was the adventure I was missing out on. But my body and my mind couldn't handle the commute every week. I gave in, choosing the "better" path by everyone else's standards, and not the one I truly wanted to be on.
I don't feel like I really have friends anymore. I have Brad, but we don't hang out often or have much to share with eachother anymore I feel. Glenn is marred of course, gone forever, just like his brother. I don't know what happened with Stacey. I loved her a lot. I still love her so much, but I can't tell her and I wish I could. She has some idea I said something bad about her and I didn't. I wish she would call me so I could tell her how much I still cared about her, but she probably has someone else now who cares for her a lot and doesn't think about me anymore. Such is life. To be forgotten. Never to be called. Never to be called upon. When people only think about themselves and forget the people that listened to their problems, helped them as best they, even when it meant sacrificing time, energy, and thought.
I've strayed so much in the path five months. I can't remember the touch of the wind anymore or how to listen to it speak to me. My hands are cold, not having touched anyone in so long, not even for a hug. I remember how it hurt to try and cry for others who shared their pain with me through gentle touch, at first, and then a fierce grasp, shaking in the cold, dead air of winter, eating away at my soul. All parts of me feel solid. I try to feel my heart beat but I can't. I feel like I've died and the world is still here around me, like some disease I can't find the cure for.
I am so lost now, without anyone real in my life. It's been this way for quite some time, but I'm not sure I've cared so much as I have now. Tomorrow I will get up and continue my routine, uncaring about others, as uncaring as they are about me. Good night.
Grey (3:48 AM)