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Fluffy was her usual chipper self this morning, lying there on the window ledge growling at the neighborhood kids playing catch on their lawn. I was unsure I had actually felt anything that day. I mean, I know I woke up and I know I went out and I know I came back at some point but my memory was jogged now. The mail piled up on the coffee table. "I'm a winner" they say. I haven't really won anything and only now that I recall the sweepstakes do I actually want to send one of those in again. What if I lost my chance to steal Ackmad away from all of this, or maybe that young man in the SUV would notice me if I wore a blue hat or had prettier hair. I am so frustrated now!
I think I broke the vase and I definitely scared Fluf. My hand hurts too. Playing with nails and plaster was a bad idea and now the shower is all in disarray. The fish in the sink have all died and I haven't put up the new wallpaper since I tore down the old decor. That window has been broken for months now and the incessant whistling of the wind has about driven me to drink. I have no more amaretto. I have no more coke. I am in dire need of cola.
I picked up the phone and thought it was strange not to see a cord running into it. I used it just yesterday to call Brad Pitt. He is so pleasant on the phone. I thought about calling Dustin Hoffman to catch up on old times (it has been so long!) but no matter how much I shook fluffy, she wouldn't tell me where she hid the phone line. I think her tail fell off but I didn't notice.
Maybe tomorrow I will go for a jog. Yes, I will go see what is going on down the street. I think I will go get pizza. Mushrooms and pepperoni and I will bring some back for puppy and squirrel. I desperately need the Sears folk to come and unclog my kitchen sink. I will see about that humus now. Wait..
~The Epic Tales of Joggy-Smokey Lady, Volume 12
But that doesn't mean I haven't learned how to become a proud, success-bound consumer whore. The type of lessons confronting me have left a fine mist behind among an even more miniscule stream of sand, like that which flows through an eternal hourglass. Have you even seen something like that? To me it is like one of the many dejavu I experience daily.
The lack of ticking has caused a sharp and noticeable release of stringent pain to evaporate as smoke would in high altitudes. I do not think I will ever feel more human and more available to comment than I have been in past days. No one has tested me as of yet and so I am lacking some of the needed motivation to move boundaries and expand outwards to reach all those who feel I should belong within them whether fully or otherwise.
If I go now I know that those things which I want to find or be sought out by will most undoubtedly leave and remove all trace of their existence leaving me in the dark as I have been in the past few months. I cannot go on existing in that sense which I have defined in the past in this very medium, just to bind myself to an idea that will never occur, to a notion that does not require significant finding, or to a query of my own discovered only by soul-seeking agent to leave a signet mark of trace and plant. Why would I want to supplant such feelings at all and place them down below the table to twiddle and fizzle and never see the light of life? I am not very sure.
To be truthful there are many moments I feel I am still not quite "attached" to the people around me. The separatist emotions combat the armed legions of the inner army which has only grown more and more defensive as the time has passed on the outside. To the heart and mind my time here is unimportant and nihilistic in scope. Nevertheless I would like to share everything I could with one person someday. Someone close to me. As of yet, that is no one I can name or fathom. I think perhaps I have let my heart become frail and weak and my mind has broken down over time in suit.
I have been wrong. I have been defeated. I have been my own worst enemy but never a best friend to myself. There are some that would say I could use a friend or perhaps a day off and those that couldn't care less (maybe) and claim I have it rather easy in comparison to the masses. I could only be perplexed in demeanor to these statements and would offer first only a calm silence and a rude awakening of peculiar attesting.
Naturally, defiantly, inappropriately. These are the guidelines, ixnay rul-ay, of the agnostic mind and tent. Go now or forever have no peace.
This Friday begins D&D again and I have yet to write down the concrete idea for the campaign but I have three pages of ideas devoted to everything that should go into the campaign (so far). I can't wait to watch these guys play it out. It'll be so much fun to watch and see how they interact in the world I've made for them, something I've always wanted people to want to want. It's a bit like a dream come true.
I feel life running through me again. I have been totally bogged down with work lately and among all the baggage and rampant laziness I have still somehow managed to get everything done on time in high-quality fashion. Honestly I can't say life is so bad right now save a few things that just didn't work out for me. This is the new phase; this is the new life. Tonight we'll celebrate in stanza.. (for prose has lost some meaning in the transition)
a flight of the soul,
a night for the bell
to toll
and toll
and toll.
we leave for anew
and bring on the few
thoughts we remember from days long past.
should we be glad
or should we be mad?
"why bother?" said the catepillar,
"it only makes it worse," as he sucked on his hash pipe.
g'nite to the ones that make the days bright
and goodbye to the ones that made the night night.
ReHumanization Project: success [alpha]
BeHumanization Project: progressive motion