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An old friend contacted me a couple of nights ago and we spoke for a few hours about the past and how we felt about things and whatnot. I remember feeling very fake toward this person in the past. I acted like someone who I used to be instead of who I was exactly because I wasn't sure how to be accepted. But the past few times we've met, I was able to show my true nature. Somehow this conversation seemed to begin as a tabula rasa and all over again I went through the developmental stages of my relationship with him from immature speech to fluent, sophisticated discussion revealing my every pore to him. I felt like we were back to being the friends it took us years to work up to for whatever reason. I blame myself for acting foolishly, but when I first encountered this guy, I was still discovering myself and it seemed only appropriate to put on a mask to meet the masks we meet.
Since I was young my philosophies have changed, hell I've even created a few of my own. That aside for another day, I want to return from my digression and actually stay on topic tonight--things are very slowly starting to assemble themselves. Tomorrow afternoon I mail out all my college applications for the fall, ahead of deadline thankfully. So school is taken care of assuming one of these two schools will accept me. It looks ok to me. The next thing is that now that classes are over I'm thinking about devoting some time to getting in shape. I haven't really played FFXI this week at all, maybe total 5h logged on time, because I had so many final projects and take-home essay exams to write up that I just couldn't fit it into my schedule. I may start going to the gym or jogging awhile first. Whatever I choose, I want to lose about sixty to eighty pounds for myself and for the future and I want to do it the right way. On top of all that, I am going to start looking for a job heavily again starting Tuesday of next week since Monday is a holiday. So: school, health, job. I think I have my priorities in order. The next two months will probably define who I am trying to be as a person and I hope that for once I have the support of my family to do what is necessary..
inner monologue: You know, all bullshit aside Grey, you really don't need their approval to do jack-crap. You get up in the morning, do you work, buy your own food, live your own life, and what influence do they have on you? Little to none. You don't even care what your mom thinks or says and your dad? He never has anything to say except when he's barking orders at you to do shit he can do himself and was doing himself before you started living back home after four years of dorm-life. So what exactly do you mean? Oh, I know. You mean you're a moron, I get it, very funny. Get over it.
to get myself on track and moving. I know that without firm ground to stand on I can't begin to lay the foundation for anything. So my first couple of tasks are to establish myself as a tool of society because there never was a choice and no matter how much I fight against it, I'll never be the individual that mommy intended me to be. Oh how sad it is when a childhood of motivational speeches telling me I can be whatever I want to be when I grow up turns out to be the biggest lie an adult could ever tell a child that sucks at everything, especially life.
As the wheel turns
the cog winds up.
Humanity?
Oh humanity.
How difficult it has become
to Rehuman.
That reminds me though--classes are almost over now and things are looking good in that neck of the woods but where I am going in the Fall is still somewhat in the air. I know by next weekend I will have applied somewhere already so I'm not worried. The outcome I am worried about. In any case, whatever.
The feelings I've been experiencing lately are a caustic mixture. Impatience, anxiety, anger, love, acceptance, frustration, indecision. I'm back to having tension headaches every few hours again. Therapy is doing wonders on my back and posture, but physically I am still feeling like total shit when under pressure (which it seems is almost always). I know I am supposed to be the strong one, but in comparison to, or for who exactly? I live for myself nowadays and let me be the first to admit it sucks. I appreciate my loneliness and "me" time, but after a couple weeks it gets old and I regress to a state of boredom.
I've taken out my feelings on some, been comforted by another. Thank goodness I have one friend I can really talk to about what I am feeling. It's not that my old friends, my guy friends, aren't willing to listen or be helpful, it's just.. they're preoccupied. I remember the days when friends used to really want to be there for each other and could make time. Now that's just not possible and being home I feel like I have even less than I felt I did a month ago. Sometimes I want to cry. Maybe that's always. I don't. I don't think about it enough to start doing anything about it. This can't be what life is. Denial. This shouldn't be the way it has to be. Rejection. I'm not normal I never was. Why can't I just be content with the way things ought to be..?
Life is so short and it's not what they all told me it was going to be like. They said "you can be whatever you want to be if you put your mind to it." Lie #1. They said "if you do good things, you will be rewarded for them." Lie #2. They said "dreams can come true." Lie #3? It's seeming that way more and more as the time passes. I don't have anywhere to go, anyone to party with, anyone to talk to that cares or has anything insightful to say or share in return. Whatever they said it never mattered because since they said it, the world changed.
Every night I go to bed exhausted, having already been tired for two or three hours prior to that and looking for ways to distract myself from the task of lying down which brings with it too much time to think about all the things that pain me as a human being. Is that what it is? Humanity? There is probably nothing more I sometimes wish I could purge from my entire body because of the overwhelming amount of pain, fear, and suffering I've experienced emotionally because of it. I heard them ask once "when's it gonna be my day?" and it never came. Will mine? Will I be ready or even notice? Or will it pass me by? Has it already? Hmm.
I rub my temples. I drag my feet all the way from my chair to my bed and climb up onto the little foot ladder and hit the sheets. Nothing feels as bad as this. Going to bed every night in pain and waking up every morning as if I had closed my eyes for an instant only to be five hours in the future, the sun up, the birds chirping, and feeling not one bit rested. I don't think I sleep. I haven't had a dream in weeks, not since I have been home. I believe I just go into stasis until my cell phone alarm rings alerting me to go to class at 10:30am every morning.
Fuck..
an heir of precedence,
so I may proceed
with an idea of decadence.
Now that summer session is mid-way through, the decision to apply to a new university for the fall must be made within the next week or so. I'm not worried so much about the decision as I am about the accepting. I don't know why I am still pursuing this career I've "chosen". I figure it fits the story of my life having never gotten anything I truly wanted deep down. I am always settling, indecisive, or confused. Life never gives me enough time to make a real decision and the more I think about the decisions I have to make, the faster the fuse of time seems to burn down. I can extinguish only moments before a catastrophe.
I've heard words I've wanted to hear. Mom is still distant. I tell her things and she only half pays attention again. The majesty of coming home is over. Dad and I aren't talking (as I forsaw). I still don't know my sister but that doesn't phase me much. I barely have a relationship with my own dogs yet they are always happy to see me when I go to the house, which is rarely. I wouldn't want to underestimate the time I spend in my new place.
Last Monday I started physical therapy to alleviate the constant pain I've been experiencing in my lower back up to my neck. So far I've had two sessions and they have been magical. I feel much better, like I can run a marathon or something. I'm taking it one step at a time now, as during the healing process it is also very easy to reinjure one's self. I get treated again on Friday, early morning, and can't wait to finally have all this tension and probably the cause of my everyday headaches be soothed away.
Life is still a struggle and lately feeling physically good but mentally shitty sends mixed messages to my psyche. It is as if I am confused about being confused. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I'm really tired of this life. There is no such thing as freedom and happiness seems like an unreal lollipop the flavor of which no one can tell you for they've never had the pleasure of tasting one.
One last thing I thought I'd mention; a story. I am currently writing up a complete twenty-chapter work. It is a bit different from JSL but it is centered around a single character. I've decided to implore a nev literary device--the obtuse narrator (look it up, it's cool). To some it may seem strange at first, but I think you guys will take a liking to the story. Anyways, toodles.