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I've been spending a lot of time in the dark lately, much to my dissatisfaction and laziness of having a blown lightbulb and subconsciously refusing the replace it on a daily basis so that I can actually use the non-daylight hours to accomplish some real work. I will briefly describe what has been on my mind the past few nights and has led up to how I feel this evening.
Reflecting on the past, the players in my life that I felt did not try so hard for me honestly did. Those whom I felt I tried hardest for I can honestly say I did not. It wasn't a lie to myself, I knew that at the time. Those whom I felt never cared, cared the most and I pushed them aside from selfish reasons, and those whom I felt I did not care for at all, it turns out I cared for the most when I lost them. There is one whom flickers in and out of my life, as a lightning bug would in the dark.
The Dark.
My entire life seems to be lived in this darkness. When the pulsing light of those insects catches my eye, I treat them as I would any other insect; with dismay and an unyielding instinctual drive to extinguish these distractions. I personify this with ignorance. It is a thick emotion, laden with uncruel intention, but the effect is clear to me when the luminescence of hope these people could have provided is gone. But I don't take chances, and my heart hangs on a string.
As a human being, as myself, as Grey..
there has always been an exception to this rule. A seemingly corrupt emotion that reminds me of how confusing said experiences can be.
It's love.
There have been those I thought I loved, but in actuality never did. Similarly there have been those who loved me, but never did, or I casually ignored any attempts at love that they made. There have been those I felt never loved me, but truly did, and also those whom I was right about all along. There are those possibly that love me along some continuum of love that have yet to meet me, or perhaps, never will. I wonder then if there is such a thing as fate, such a thing as destiny, and if it we can control it to a degree.
It is difficult for me to describe how I feel in words even to this day. I've never been able to accept predetermination, that is not to say that I don't believe in it. A similar argument can be given toward how I feel about the existence of a divine and a demon--an exalted and a vile.
If such a thing as a continuum of love should exist, then these concept should be given more merit in their potential existence, but there is no proof of any of it except what I feel. What I feel is that there is indeed such a thing as love and I am knee-deep in it. But this love is not such that I have seen in it like that flickering lightning bug. Nay it has also not been along such a continuum as that I have been allowed to experience it always. It is when that certain someone comes back around.. that is when.
That is when.
And in my position there is nothing within my power to connect the two ends of that continuum in such a way that it can be conceptualized as a line with definitive ends that are tangible and flexible. Indeed, love may encompass the latter, but certainly not the former. Love is not a bouquet of flower. Love is not a three word sentence. Love is not passion of the flesh. Love is not a sensation to be experienced such an appealing perfume. It is too complicated and part of me is far too logical to comprehend it.
All that can be said is I love. I am in love. It is a funny feeling. It is a wretched feeling. It is unfair that the heart should have the power to place and displace itself as it sees fit, but that the body is constrained in distance and time. Love supersedes all of this due simply to its nature.
But understand the logistics of it does not change the fact (ahem) that is does truly exist within me. As well, experience tells me that is it futile to try to fight it. It apparently isn't something you choose, so perhaps that old saying "'falling' in love" has much truth to it. I do know this as well: I love my friends and I love those who I can spend time with in both my worlds, and inside myself. This is something I wouldn't give up even for the greatest reward the universe can offer.
Take care, and do enjoy the latest STO. This saga will end sometime in September. Stay tuned for the thrilling ending. Or should I say, beginning?
"Dude, when have I ever let you down?"
"A few times, but that's not what I'm asking."
"Yeah yeah. I'm consistently on time though!"
"I wasn't asking for consistency. I was asking if I could rely on you."
"Same thing man."
"Not exactly."
"Bullshit, it's the same thing!"
"Not quite. Reliability is consistency with a splash of trust."
"Technicalities. Whatever man, I will be there on time. Quit worrying."
But when Jacob hung up the phone he wasn't worried. Actually he didn't think about it again after he called Mia and told her Brad would be swinging by to pick her up and then to pick him up, because he lived closer to Mia than to him.
The plan was set and the movie tickets were paid for. Why Mia wanted to see that movie was a mystery. She didn't even like action flicks or anything, but she suggested it. Jacob wasn't going to question it though. He did want to see it anyway, and she was paying for it so why ask why?
Jacob got ready, prepping himself up with his usual sharp attire and just enough cologne to make the ladies wild. But there was only one lady on his mind tonight. 'The perfect woman', he sometimes described her as, or, 'that delicate momma' at other times. In either case, Jacob's tone was just as sincere and he did seem to care for her very much. Why else would be have bought her that necklace? He had a plan you see, and it was all going to work out perfectly; just like he wanted.
At about 7:25, the doorbell rang. Jacob shut the lid of his laptop and slid down the stair railing to answer the door. As soon as he opened it, Mia jumped into his arms and Brad peeked out from behind her, giving a passing glance and a monotone 'hey'. They packed into Brad's car and sped away to the Palisades Mall.
After finding some choice parking they hurried quickly to the movie theatre, claimed their tickets and sat in the most perfect spot, exactly where Mia knew Jacob liked it. She always knew just where he liked it.
~Seven Times Once, Chapter 6
"Mia!" came a shout from downstairs. It was mom.
"Yeaaah!?" she shouted back.
Her mother made her way slowly up the stairs and met Mia in the bathroom.
"Was it it mom?"
"Oh nothing, just wondering why you're awake so early."
"Eh, my body said 'time to wakey!' and here I am!"
"I see. Well you have a good day dear. I'm off to work. I left some toast and eggs on the table."
"Aww mom! Thanks so much!" and with those words she gave her mom and big wet kiss on her left cheek. Mom smiled at Mia, patted her on the head, and off she went.
"Take care hon."
As she stared delightfully at herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth, she lost her train of thought and wandered back to scenes in the dream. She saw a small puppy, a torn dollar bill under its paw, and a departing train. She picked up that puppy, or so she thought, and put it in her car. She doesn't remember what happened next though.
Mia galloped down the stairs daintily and shoved a piece of toast in her mouth and she rummaged through the refrigerator looking for the orange juice. She poured a tall glass and looked up at the clock.
"Seven thirty-seven!? What the hell is wrong with me??" But then Mia remembered she fell asleep last night sometime around nine without having eaten breakfast. Her phone conversation with Jacob had left her very tired but elated. Her blood pressure soared as she became reinvigorated with the thoughts of what they talked about. It was really anything of substance, and she knew that. It was just that she got to speak to him at all. It had been days and she had been secretly planning something. But then again, she was always planning something.
She went out for a jog and played with the cat when she got back in, then took a shower and watched some T.V. Mia wasn't a fan of the television, but she sure loved killing time. These times were hers and no one could take them away from her. She spent to bulk of the morning flipping channels and laughing at stupid people. She completed a crossword puzzle and once noon came, she grabbed her cell, keys, and headed out the door to the mall. What would she steal today, she thought.
The reasons Mia did what she did were clear and always with purpose. She did what she saw fit to survive in a world where parents weren't guardians and the older you got, the less likely you were to have respect. But she didn't want respect; she wanted free shit. She used anything she could to get what she wanted, including herself. The world was Mia's oyster today and she was going to have all the pearls she wished for.
And really, who was going to stop her?
~Seven Times Once, Chapter 7
Life has been sketchy at best lately. I've been fairly busy with school and looking for a job only very sparingly. When I want to set my mind to it, I know I will, but for now I'm bitterly enjoying the last remaining days of my free life I guess. Actually I don't know what the real excuse is but I think it could be fear. In any case, life starts soon and I am working tirelessly on a couple of other stories when I am not so busy with gaming or schoolwork or job seeking.
I don't know what the future holds at this point but it is wide open, as they say. I still enjoy my use of superfluous commas, roleplaying strange characters, reciting speeches in my head, predicting the weather, and taking 2h naps when I could be out doing something more constructive. In a sense, I don't care enough to worry so I don't worry about not caring.
Anyhow, I'm going to get some sleep and think about how I would like to finish off, or rather begin, the story of Mia and Jacob. Some things elude even me.