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I haven't felt this distant from myself in many years. I can remember a time when I had things in focus. Even though I couldn't see them clearly, I know how to get to them because the path was set; there was only one way. I used to be a dreamer. Now I feel as though everything is a nightmare. I am so lonely and I wish I had something to hold onto. I don't know what to say anymore. Am I unhappy about school? Am I in love? Am I scared of the future? Am I feeling regret for the past? I don't know the answers to any of these questions and there are ways to find them, but the circumstances are all messed up.
I want to say that I will keep on living and not worry about anything. I know it's a lie to some degree. Of course I worry. I am becoming slowly more human inside everyday and I think that is the point. Feeling this way, not devoid of certain emotions, is something I don't think I like. I want to regress sometimes. Maybe it's all the time, I really don't know that either. Dehuman. I don't think I want to BeHuman but I know that this is leading up to it.
Years ago life was so much easier. It is not as if things has necessarily become more complicated, but rather that they have become so far uncomplicated that there is no longer any reason to wake up in the morning other than to play a few games. Now that school is starting I was hoping I was experience some renewed sense of well being, some heightened glory for setting myself back on the path of achievement, some great thing that I always wanted and finally got. But I am realizing more everyday that it is my life, my destiny, to lead this life; this depressing life. It is just who I seem to be. Without a woman, or a reason, or a calling, I am nothing because I have nothing. I am the perfect shade of complete blackness and that which is calling out to me with promising words. I am Grey. I am me. That is me.
No longer can I open my eyes completely. I've noticed this many times I've looked in the mirror. It has even been pointed out to me by a friend and even my own mother who I rarely see face-to-face anymore. I don't speak above a whisper to myself or anyone else. I am constantly the victim of 'what? speak up!' and I don't how to take that. I feeling like becoming more human is to become less of me. But what am I? Just Grey then? Le couer d'ombre? I love what am I but it doesn't seem like anyone is telling me the same anymore. I feel inadequate. I feel lost. I feel everything about regret without feeling regret, though I cannot say I am actually regretful for anything. I look at where I am now, physically, and can't bring myself to want less of this. How does one get what he wants and still manage to feel nothing? I know. Because I still don't have what I truly want. Companionship. That feeling you have when you wake up next to someone you really love. Maybe that's it. But maybe if I had that, I'd find that wouldn't be it either. But I think that's it. Nothing is ever completely certain in my mind anymore. Except that I have to pee, that is usually pretty certain.
A year from now, I'm going to promise myself that I have a piece of something that I want. Yes, about ten months from now to be optimistic. But will it get me anywhere I want to be? Just because I have accomplished something I want to finish and not really do. I wish I could say I had a new hope. I wish I could say tomorrow will be different. I wish I could say I knew exactly what I wanted and what others wanted. If I could be there for you, I might. And if I knew what was going on anywhere I could try to understand the situations.
But no..
Here I am.
Lost but not quite broken.
Wandering through world,
meandering through the days.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Waiting..
for something to strike the match and light the fires of hope.
For what it's worth,
it's worth waiting for.
Such is the way of perfection.
A balance of the best in you
with the worst in you.
All because the world is gray.
That's right. I spent four(4) whole days with my family in Montreal against my will. My loathing for them only grows at a steady rate. Seems like my sister is the only cool one out of them all. But that's just because she's only 17 I guess. Both my uncles are obnoxious. My aunt is a complete self-centered bitch. My mom is well, my mom. My dad is completely lost within the emptiness that is his own mind. I'm not going to complain past this as it will only make me angry and I have already gotten over most of the crap I had to put up with. In short--there was an argument, a harsh decision, and no compromises this time.
So I'm going back to school in the fall. A shitty college, some shitty classes, so I can get my shitty degree in May(ish). I'm hoping that it will put me on the track to success or something stupid like that. Of course I'm completely denying the observations that none of my friends actually pursued a career that had anything to do with their degrees. But whatever. Supposedly I'll be able to get a "better job", but realistically (analysis of terminology actually), "any job" is better than "no job" so I can't acquire a "better job" in my current state due to the following: unemployment. I tried, I failed. Or perhaps others failed me. In any case I'm growing poor and it's time like this I wish I was a "gifted" woman so I could go work at a strip club and survive on tips alone. Hot girls have all the opportunities. Drat.
In retrospect things are looking up, but I can't seem to place my chin any higher than my chest. It's just so.. shitty. My whole situation. Everything bugs me and the past week didn't really help resolve anything. Even when I got my acceptance letter I really didn't care. My reaction was one of expectancy, as if I knew no matter what I'd get in one of the billion colleges I applied to, but it was also unmoving. It didn't effect me like I thought it would two months ago when I was so gung-ho about going back to school and being done with it all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm just lonely I guess. Vhary called today, that was cool. She was sad though and I didn't know how to comfort her. I feel so inadequate. Maybe I need a real girlfriend.
"Yeah dude but that's my girlfriend! You know, the person that is not supposed to cheat on me." He said.
"Listen Jacob. Not for nothing bro but you're not so innocent yourself, you know. In fact you know that better than me. Always regretting this and that and shit. Dude, get your shit together. I know it's not as if you deserved to be treated badly or anythi.."
"No you're right." Jacob butted in. "I know I'm not the innocent one but man, people do things for reasons an.."
"And you had your reasons? And maybe she had hers." Brad was quick to rebuke.
Jacob sighed. He didn't know what to say at all. Everyday what he'd done had eaten him up inside and nothing he could do would make the pain go away. Jacob sniffed another line and looked up at Brad.
"That shit's been fucking you up since day one bro. You are so far gone."
"Thanks dad." Jacob chuckled and Brad joined in. He had a line too.
"Let's get out of this bathroom. People gonna think we're gay or something if they catch us in here." As he spoke Jacob wrapped the razor up in the celophane and stuck it way down in his pocket.
"Yeah for real." And with that they headed out of the bathroom and into Dexter's living room.
"You guys done?" questioned Dex.
"Not really. You got any food 'round here?" replied Brad.
"Nah dude. Shit all got eaten up at the party."
"Ah right right. Well let's hit up some place then." Jacob suggested.
Dex was sly in his reply, "Think I'd rather just sit around and watch T.V. or something. You in?"
"It's cool. We're gonna go out. Let's go man." He patted Brad on the stomach with the back of his hand and they headed out with a few "Later dude"s over the shoulder.
They headed down the street not really knowing where they were going. The car was still in the shop and walking had become their new mode of transportation. Fortunately, it allowed both of them to get to know each other again and discuss old times and generally shoot-the-shit.
Jacob grabbed his temples and began to rub rigidly. "Can't help thinkin' about it man. I'm such a sucker."
"Most guys are." That was the best sort of advice Brad could offer at this point. He was too off his ass to want to start some depressing conversation about chicks and how they're all conniving bitches or something. After a few minutes of walking, the silence got to him as he came down. He added, "You think you were in love?"
"Nah. I mean yeah, sure. But I dunno what that is you know? I tried really hard for a long time but it didn't really get me anywhere. She sorta stopped caring after awhile I think and I followed suit. Just tried to give her what she gave me really. Does that ever work though? Nah, I mean.. man, I dunno what I mean. I suck at relationships."
"Better than me dude. Living the single life is the way to go. No women, no problems as I see it. But you already knew that."
"Yeah you're the better guy between us." His voice become took a solemn tone and he stopped clutching at his head. "Listen man, about all that shit I said, you kno.."
Brad stopped and looked at Jacob dead in the eye. He put a hand on each of Jacob's shoulders and said, "Dude. That shit is so far in the past. You can't help it if you let the pussy do the talking. That shit owns you after awhile man and in the end you know who your friends are. After you sift through the knee-deep shit, you find all the answers and pull your head out of your fucking ass. You know how it is man, right?"
"Yeah I guess."
"Nah fuck 'I guess'. You know dude." Brad removed his hands from Jacob's shoulders and gave him a slight slap in the face. "You know."
The two chuckled and walked on.
"Well I think I'm gonna call her later and tell her to come over so we can talk shit out. I'm ready to forgive her. Even if we break up, whatever. At least I'll have a made a friend out of her." said Jacob.
"Up to you man. You know what's best. You wanna have a smoke? Gah, yeah you do, here." Brad handed him a cigarette and lit it for him then lit one of his own and took a deep drag. "Just do what you gotta do dude."
"Yeah. Do what I gotta do." Jacob replied as he exhaled a deep, fulfilling drag of nicotine. "Do what I gotta do."
Later that afternoon Jacob made the phone call. Only, her mom answered, but he found out Mia was actually on her way over. How unexpected he thought. She assured Jacob that Mia didn't seem upset when she left. He supposed he'd find out sooner or later. And just then the doorbell rang.
~Seven Times Once, Chapter 18
"Do what?" He said this, but as the words came out he knew exactly what she was talking about.
"Yeah I know. I know! Nevermind, ok?" That was about the best he could do given the situation. "I just wanted to try to fix it, but I guess that's not happening anymore huh?"
"No it's not. And you know that you asshole." Her words were harsh but struck a true chord. He blamed himself for the whole mess but really, looking back at it all, it wasn't his fault. Her words were thick with blame and he couldn't resist the way her long hair curled ever-so-slightly at the ends just in time to fall gently upon her face, adding just the right amount of 'hot' to her bright green eyes.
She threw her arms halfway up in disgust, and tossed the train schedule on his bed. She sat down on the pillows and leaned against the headboard to her left. She began to cry, seeming as though she wanted to have it all back, but couldn't bare to try and mend it. He looked at her and wanted to sit beside her and rest his head against her shoulders and tell her it was going to be okay, but he knew it wasn't. Instead he stood there silently, thinking about yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that one. No. No this wasn't happening! Not again..
But yes it was.
Suddenly Mia sat up. "I'm leaving. Don't follow me. Here, take these back. You wanted to own something, then here you go." As she spoke she unfastened the necklace and tossed it into his gut. He caught it, flinching. Instantly he started crying. She didn't look back as she stormed out of his room. The door slammed but it was the breeze blowing in from the open window by the bed. He fell to his knees and clutched the necklace in his hand.
He cried. For how long he didn't know, nor do I. What's certain is that he cried. When he felt like he was done, he crawled toward the bed to lie down and saw the train schedule. He almost tore it as he wrenched it in his hands angrily. Just then he opened it. Circled on the inside was the 5:48 departing from Suffern. He looked at the beads, each one he remembered distinctly, and what they stood for.
Was there a chance to save it all. He thought. But Jacob, that never solved anything before. You have to move. He got up, looked at the beads again, threw open his door, and ran. And ran. All the way to that train station he ran.
~Seven Times Once, Chapter 19
I haven't been able to find a school that will accept me and the last drops of hope I had for getting a job (even one I knew I'd hate) have slipped down the sink.
Glenn's wedding was a happy moment. Seeing him up there at the altar I almost wanted to cry tears of joy or sadness, but I couldn't decide which, so I didn't shed any. I questioned myself a lot that day, but not about the things you'd think. I felt strange, noticeably strange, but not in any sort of overwhelming or bothersome way. I should've said something about it to someone but I didn't.
I've been hurt by some that I thought were trustworthy. What I dislike most about others is when they prove me wrong, but not for stupid, unimportant reasons. Rather, when they do it because I assumed them better people than they actually were. It squeezes my heart. It's as if a spiny hand is clutching it and grasping too hard.
In the shadows feelings have been a-brewing. I still feel the same way about most people in my life, and some have even come out a little more about what they expect from me and have given me advice on how I should act, and I have mostly taken it. I can accept when I am incorrect or acting out of turn and I like to be told when I am pushing the tape. Still, advice isn't what I truly need. It's a life. Maybe someone to hold me when I need to be held.
And all those that became so ungrateful, so unhelpful, and so uncaring as a result, in the end hurt us all. They hurt me, and my "friends" and I don't think I can forgive them rightly. They knew what they were doing was wrong and.. I'm too tired to say it over and over really. What's done is done and they got what they wanted and took the rest of us down with them. ITV is lost now. I don't know where I'll go from here.
Life is always taking these sharp turns and it's becoming so tiring. I've wanted a life that was interesting, somewhat fast-paced, and exciting at its core, but this is crap man. I'm drowning now..
I'm drowning now
for you
because I've got nothing
to hold onto.
Because you're dragging me down.
Down.
Yeah, down.