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The faint absence of colour. A pulsating rhythm of harmonic interludes. The life of the miser returns again and the tone of D resounds within. A little minor, and an inflection of tonal annoyance. I am drunk with envy and separated now from what I feel is supposed to be my real goal from what has been placed before me as the finished product.
In retrospect it is all my own doing, or undoing, as it may. I lack comprehension of the simple things again and only the complex notions of joy and happiness fill up my body and my spirit tingles with life(force). I feel deep down inside, and the words are hard to type because I am clouded with doubt at this very moment, that The Better Life is just around the bend. Someone knows, they know, I know..
More importantly we know..
star
Brevity speaks the words of
honour,
trust,
and desire.
To dignify that which we stand together for
we need no word,
no actions,
no meaning.
The complete package is simply that;
complete.
Earthly love and subtle emotion become
the force,
the strength,
the innermost workings of the magic entangled together before us.
we stand together,
alone,
as two,
has become one.
a single, solitary want twinkling in the darkness.
the light within the space.
a time of hope and of unending happiness.
it shall be so,
as we wish.
we..
..wish.
I've asked myself why she cannot simply accept certain things but I never come up with an answer. If I asked her she wouldn't know either. She might even become more upset with me. Damn her. It won't bother me now. I have time to mold the puddy-like end of my plan into something more favourable for me and my love. Time is both working for and against us but I am comfortable with this timetable for now. I feel unrushed and in the end I know I will better decisions because I had time to decide on an outcome for awhile. Of course I could always fuck it up (the voice in the back of my head says, "Don't fuck it up Grey."). I think everything will work out better than planned.
Now for the promises of triplet theory.
Prepare for phase one.
moon
Sharing with me all that she is,
her body and mind and soul..
a spark of life within her womb ignites.
The time of the star will come to warm the planes of the moon.
life will being anew,
renewed by love and affection.
And bring us not to a time of grief.
we can do without new strife.
together we bring joy to the world and
Cannot we that struggle together, nullify together
the pain we feel deep within?
some have said no, but I say..
Yes.
Digression becomes more dubious than once believed and inferences are meant to be drawn from such a mess of angry vibes. I look to the darkness again..
..something that has never led me astray..
.a moment...
..a flickering of engagement..
...the sweat of anticipation.
....swift gust of passion
I go to move and move from the yearning to discover that which I am unaware of. But who is to say that my soul has not made noteworthy observations without me? In a twist of breath and a fleeting second it is no more impossible than it is possible to have left my body and become unrecognizable to the helmhold of humanity.
Serenity (NOW.)
Movement among the trees, the air, the heat, the wonder of many cups and phrases all drawn from seemingly similar wells of knowledge and drama. This is meant to be, I thought, but possibly, very possibly, things are not meant to make sense in an egotistical self-descriptive form. The shades of colour then blend as one and fly off to a world more orderly, or simply, less chaotic (impossibility).
Trail in Erorr.
Leading backwards are the signs all persistently pointing to the untrue. This case is classically misunderstood. Meanings of life and pages upon mountainous pages of jargon are brought into focus (sharply dim) merely for one, solitary attempt at deciphering the code. Magic. Complex simplicities. Fourier Analysis. Those who entangle themselves too deeply into the lives of their existence find but hay in stacks of needles. Questions are too broad, general, lacking faith tied back to themselves. If man finds as answer, it is unlikely he will achieve complete understanding. Stranger than that is the notion of whether or not it has already been seen and passed along, tossed away as merely a bucket theory with a large whole in the bottom.
Bring him the book!
Bring her the fire!
If I took a step back to see what I could see from myself, I might find guidance and curiosity. Lacking both to greater extents than most might be comfortable with, I attempt to draw the lines that are required to be drawn within. Unwritten rules plague me. Toss this back and let it be done away with! Why would the mass in agreement of disagreement continue to allow the will of past to grope the soul of the present? Humanity is fickle and ignorant. It is too shameful to fathom.
Expertise
Once change is set into motion it becomes increasingly difficult to decelerate to the baseline. This will be difficult to grasp for some of you guys, so I will break it down over the course of a few posts. Between the lines are a few moments of sanity and clarity. The page says a number of things on a day of march. A moon, a star, and the space. The entities kept close to the heart are shaken to an abrupt end. When my world came crashing down, a cryptic, obvious sign came into view. A question for you, an answer for me. Straight-up, given, received, processed, and adored. Undermining will lead down a path of uncertainty. Gladness filled my soul. I left that night and up I have seen all that which I required to see. A moonlit night and a twinkling speck of salvation. Lit a fire of hope, of cancer, of long-lasting kinship. I was ready to tear it out and leave it for the next to give it a whirl, wanting nothing to do with those things. That is, until you came along and gave me advice.
Leave it where it fuckin' is.
There are the downsides of personalism (yes i'll refer to it as a terrible "-ism"). Where there is no harm done I would like to share feeling with people sometimes. I find it is most difficult to say anything at all because I don't have complete confidence in any of my immediate friends and that follows right on through to the tiers of lesser friends and so on. Too often I feel that it is a shortcoming of my own that I do not secure friends as I would prefer them to be secured. But I have felt vastly more familiar with the notion that I have yet to find the people I can fully express myself too.
While there have been numerous occasions to burst out into what I would call a "sadist remark session", I have maintained a fair level of reservation. Flashes of madness will come over me and I will wish for that time only to hurt a certain someone very badly. An inner tiger seizes my soul and captivates me until the music of real life plays it's mellow tune in my ear. Soothing, comforting.. I remember what I have now and would not want anything more for myself. I have all that I want and I have received all that I needed. Fin fin~
Now about the other day when I was in a state of ever-flux with the world around me. I felt alive and ready to take on the world that night and I sat at my computer and attempted to do as much. I psyched up and was writing a fantasticly over-done paper for my psychology class and I couldn't handle it. I decided I wouldn't give them something they didn't deserve. I held backspace diligently, destroying all trace evidence of anything that could even be remotely described as a Results section. So I didn't tell anyone. I just played it off like I couldn't concentrate, which I just couldn't. And maybe it'll affect my grade and I'll do worse than I could have done, but I don't care. If I was a kite, I'd be so high on life, you'd never see me.
In closing I would like to remind old readers, and bring up to new readers an old saying that can be found somewhere deep in the annals of DeHuman..
When going
downhill,
from
overhead
it looks as
though you're
going in
a
straight
line.
blooming acquaintance
I'm not a huge fan of mentioning other people in my blog post but I felt that this time it was warranted and to protect the identity of the individual I will refer to him as "Doc" (yeah that ought to do it). In some ways I felt as thought he is not much different from many of the people I dealt with last semester but something about him speaks more words than the page can handle. He's a cool guy - a real person with real problems and anything that could be construed as "fake" about him he is at a complete loss for. So I've come to realize that there are still people in this world that I can befriend even through the medium of a video game. Sometimes you hope that your own personal life does not get tossed into the mix of a one-way conversation, but over time, and the acquisition of confidence from that person, you open up just a tiny bit after realizing that the two of you aren't very much different. Thanks.
tiny bubbles
Lately the life of the miser has become more appealing and with the ways my life has been changing lately I feel as though I should have had more responsibility all along. I'd like to give a harsh appreciative "thanks" to all the people who have tried to make my life more difficult for me since the start of the semester. Mostly I have grit my teeth, grinned and bared it. This is a good thing in the end though. Perhaps if I had learned how to actually live my life correctly the first time I would not have these particular issues floating over my head. The main issue is my situation from two perspectives. The first is monetary, the second is housing. I think I'll just escape and shade everything I needed to see before I ever see it. Two weeks isn't such a long time, no?
couer d'ombre
This paragraph was originally going to be in french but it's too damn early in the morning to be thinking about another language. I was going to say that only now realizing BeHuman for what it is, or at least another portion of the carrot cake, I have only just begun to adjust myself in my ways, thought, and emotions. I am a proverbial scatter-diagram of mischief and wonder now and it is still very difficult to say all the things in my heart as I wish to say them exactly. In time I will grow happier and let go of some of the past along with it. Things inside me still ache sometimes and I will need time to prepare myself for the future. For this, I am glad to still have much time, although it pains me just the same to imagine that same length of time away from you. It's cool. We'll hang out 'til then.
privitization
Over the last few posts and days I have expressed myself in ways more human than I have in years. My words, thoughts, and opinions have been tossed out into the open to fuel the fire of my present wants and desires. In striving to be closer to you all than I had originally expected I have thought about retracting so many of my statements of honesty. In some ways it is a mini-regret to have said some things recently and I will most likely become the hermit(crab!) I once was and become one with the wind again. I have asked and received all the answers I wanted and resolved all the fears I have had. Additionally, I have become free from the chains of the person by shackling myself down in place; a place I cannot feel I never wanted to be in. So I am happy and that is that. I am happy for those who are happy, at least at this time (heh..). Continue living your lives and stopping by to read the weekly JSL. By the way, Xerlic has assured me of a JSL guest entry that he has been preparing for some time now. Maybe if you all nudge him (a lot), he'll post it by Tuesday.
endeavors
In the end the spirit is a fickle deserver. Exhibit A will be splashed in with the momentary flickering of hope. Lift your head to see the light of day or flee the scene - as you wish. Take advantage of the new night each time it is presented on the slate of grey and white. Cold, moonlit nights will take you from your place of slumber and drive you up into the sky to see all, not for all to see. Freedom is not a right, but rather a necessary and deserved proponent within all men equally. When you cease your thoughts to ask yourself 'Why?' see only that it is unimportant and decided rather to ask your 'How?'. At least, I feel, this is more suitable for the time that and in which we live. Infinite regression of the queries will lead you only down the path of nihilism and flabbergast. Lift your head to see the light of day.
aspects of closure
As the clock chimes closer to 4 it is about that time to cease all the nonsense and rest my head upon the pillow. Someday we'll all get what we want, just not in the form we were expecting. For all those who have seen what they want and taken it by the arm, never stop pulling. Grab onto what you want and keep it as close to your heart as you can. If you want it you can have it and nothing should stand between you and your love.
To those who understand and those who wish they understood and must ask the ones who understand how to understand it at all, thank you. Be yourself and good things will happen to you. If they don't, hit alt+f4 and try again at the tone.
After some time of sitting up clutching my abdomen I only began to feel worse. At some point I approached flush and was cold and uneasy. I hurried to the bathroom and burped some gas up but it turns out it was acid and was very painful on the way up, burning my esophagus. I felt terrible and I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a second or two. I thought I would fall down so I leaned up against the wall behind me for a minute, maybe two.
The tile was cold and uninviting and I detached myself from it and began to brush my teeth, my throat still in pain from the acid attack. I decided then that I wasn't going to class. Not that it's a big deal or anything anyway but I went to bed with the intention of going to this class and now I honestly feel like I could just vomit at any time. Even now my body is shaky, shivering, uneasy. I think I'm cold but that seems unlikely. Maybe I am just getting old.
Aside from this morning life is going well. Now that feelings are out in the open and everyone who needs to know what's going on does, I feel relieved. Things have gone my way unexpectedly and I am over-joyed. Words cannot completely describe what I have felt the past few days. For once things are going my way and my only responsibility is not to fuck it up. It seems pretty simple and I think I can do it, along with her by my side.
I'm going to lunch with Glenn on Thursday! I'm really glad I get to hang out with him again (finally). It's been so long since I've spent time with a good friend. He's engaged now, getting married July 16th, 2004. Everyone that plans on attending should just show up and crash the wedding. I'm sure his brother and I would appreciate it, by which I mean get a good laugh out of it.
Since I still feel quite sickly and really needed to go to that class I think I will lay down for a few minutes and think then read the chapter we are currently covering somewhere in a distant lecture hall. Toodles!
I do not appreciate those that place themselves at the forefront of all concerns but I have but one choice now and that is to start hearing the deep layers of sound whisked before and furthermore, pay close attention and listen to the winds of change. I asked that which I would ask those never to ask me and was given all the right answers in the harshest way I could humanly fathom. This connection allowed me to open my eyes tonight and actually stare the replies of cold chill in the face, provoking them to my ears.
truths
As clever as this title of this paragraph may seem it actually contains meaningful matter (har²). When I asked whether or not I try to make people happy, an observation I hold in favour of "yes", the answer was vague but somehow clear. Realistically I don't. I am fickle it seems, in favour rather of granting people the opportunities to have that which they want. Those wants are too short-term to establish even the roots of perpetual happiness and thus I am seemingly very wrong. Additionally, I haven't the foggiest idea of why I bother with this anymore. Said: Your changes do not accomplish anything. Harsh, slightly false from BeHumanization, but more-likely-than-not this is a infallible conclusion.
feelings
Unbeknownst to many, I actually do posses these. Although I may come off as a logical being of harmonious wit and dis-clarity (as most properly fits, adaptably), there are those that have come to enjoy my company and/or mores (yes this post promises to be a haven for strangely referenced literary ambiguity). So in light of recent events and heartfelt moments I'm going to drop the proper English in the following paragraph which, although skips to the next line, is still considered to be under this heading (perhaps not so strange right?).
Right so like I am really confused about something in my heart right now and it's causing a bit more distress than I'd like it to because I know what's going on in my head and "elsewhere" but no one's saying anything and it's going to boil over and I'm going to make the same mistake twice and will hate myself for letting that slip on by without making a move. It will most likely be detrimental to my mental health because I could really use a booster shot in the love department and I really don't find it funny or necessary to stand idly by not doing jack-squat about it.
But I probably will. Because I am stupid. And.. won't take the first steps in resolving anything. And.. I'll/we'll be right back at Square-One; miserable, confused, wondering what the hell is wrong with us and acting like it's all good and what-not. Someone please stop being stupid. Check, please.
*editor's note: Is this how denial works?*
workload
Maybe I'm not as bogged down with work as others might be but I also consider my actions outside of academics to be rigorously difficult at times. While trying to prepare a D&D campaign for five whole days I will search the web, read snippets of old books I have laying around, page through the Monster Manual, and stare blankly at walls day-dreaming about the happiness NyQuil delivers in such small doses tossing about the idea of whether or not there will be a Lycanthrope in the next forest. Then there's FFXI. I don't take anything too seriously on there really, never completely did. Now that I am trying to form something serious the feelings come into play mixed in with spatterings of truths and the ever-progressive tomorrow (please take the hyphenated suffix extremely light. like toast that hasn't been in too long, or low-fat margarine. not like hydrogen blimps, cause i'm sure one of you enjoyed the hindenburg tragedy and would like to see my life turn out the same way. you're so nice to me, really).
Class has been alright but I have recently slipped into a coma devoid of psychological application or care for that matter. While I know I'm doing a bit more than "just enough" I still feel (and probably always will) that I could be doing a lot more (with my life) in terms of interests. As it is I forget to urinate sometimes and my bladder is going to remind me how poor a decision that was when I'm older. Even earlier while I was just lying there thinking about my meditations I was so lost in thought that I forgot I was supposed to be sleeping and thus here I am placing my words on page for my adoring (uh huh) fans at this early morning hour. Hey, at least it's Friday..
tomorrow
I think I've started the heading with this word before because I recall not liking what I wrote. I think it's more like "predictions" but that isn't exactly what I have in mind at the moment. Really it's nothing. Being a being of faith in something other-worldly (no god thanks), the discoverer of truths (all subjective by the way, sorry guys), the possessor of feelings and the bearer of workload, do I think really have time to even 'think' about tomorrow ?
Of course I do..
..well, duh.
I digress. The point I am trying to put forth is unclear methinks; wishes, but more like wishful thinking (the question previously asked; see 'above'). And I've decided since I don't do what I am really trying to achieve by ways of making people happy then I ought to just be semi-selfish and state exactly what *I* want for a change. I sincerely doubt anyone actually knows because I am Private Fool.
And the blurb;
I want to wake up tomorrow and things to finally go my way. I don't want people to expect things from me, heck I don't even want to see some of these people. I want all my time to be for me. I want to let go of all the things I do for other people for just a little while to obtain my jaya. This would be one free of friendly responsibility and maybe, just MAYBE even a little love from someone from time to time, maybe even someone in mind. If I could only get this for just a little while, I might feel complete for a change instead of moping about thinking to myself all the things that could make my life better knowing fully that the things I can do, I don't, and the things I would do, I shouldn't, for reasons hidden somewhere in this text. I am really upset at the people involved sometimes. Some in a loving way and others in a fuck-off-get-outta-my-face way. Those involved know who they are and those involved who are unsure whether or not they are involved should probably read MUCH closer into this post to figure it out (it's not figuratively stated but rather very obviously). What do I have to do to get all this crap? Oh, I know - be a bigger asshole than I already am. Man I hate this.
time frames
But I don't want to end this post sounding sour although I will plainly state for the readers here than my previous paragraph is meant to start off in a cool sort of passive voice which slowly works it way up to a near tear-shedding cry-of-the-heart tone. I hope that clarifies things. I figured I ought to post this meaning here as soon as possible in hopes (never lost hope right?) that someone would figure it out and ask me how and what I feel. I think I may be ready to start opening up to someone. Maybe two people. V does an excellent job of listening but too often I wish she was someone else or someone with more experience than myself on certain topics I've put forth on this page. No, I am not looking for all the answers. I know they will come in time. But how much time am I willing to wait? Is it too soon to start asking? What about soul-seeking the last few queries at hand? Am I wrong to think that all this is slowly working against me and I am in fact my very own Secret Nemesis?? (more on this in a later post so hold that thought. those wishing to know earlier can contact me about it if they wish).
I think it goes against my better judgment to rush into questioning for one never fully grasps the answers at first glance anyway. Echoically I want to sense determine right or wrong but I also want to teach it among those people whom are deserving. I know of only one right now. If the time frame is situated than I am only working toward an end at a constant speed; time itself. But if it is forever moving, awaiting my departure time from Terminal Just-say-it, then I should probably put this off as long as I possibly can and gather all the evidence and decipher over that precursory time whether or not "all signs point to yes" (8-ball baby). I won't even bother stating where or when only that other people should KNOW right NOW that my DOOR is OPEN to those wishing to seek something from me before I TURN OFF the LIGHTS.
conclusionary measures
You were expecting maybe a typo? (tag question) Read on, it ends soon. Okay so dropping that English thing again since it suits me swell.
I'm going to go get warm under my covers now and nestle up all cozy-like and when I finally fall asleep I am actually going to wish (wish, you heard right again! *ding*) that what I want will actually happen tomorrow, or the next tomorrow, whichever tomorrow it is, but a soon one I hope (there's that again. yikes). But ya know, don't worry about it, don't feel pressured right? I mean, I have lotsa time to make my dreams come true. I'd just rather they happen sooner than later because it's been like two years now and like nothing has happened to improve the quality of my personal life, all drama from outside sources aside. I love the things I do when I'm there, or here, whichever makes more sense, and I want to keep doing that. Now I will go dream about all that which could possibly be and feel worse about it in the morning when I'm partying my Paladin and mumbling to myself how I hate chinese gil sellers.
Good luck to you too fellas. Tag my board sometimes.
A few days later I realized I didn't indent my paragraphs. I also realized I didn't care and moved on. I never published that post because it was in itself inadequate and I discovered a few more things on my mind that would make for better self-conversation. I moved on.
Recently my attention has shifted towards the notion of infallibility. This came up on the way to a class and was later even discussed in a different class on the same day. I did not want to slip this time and thought vigorously about it. I came to several conclusions, all of which were impossible to fathom existing within the scope of humanity; a shortcoming not my own, finally.
Little did I know that these ideas were not meant to exist in nature. In other words, unbound by causal law (and the puzzle makes sense now.. ?). I laughed a bit and unloaded a plethora of strange ideas in the direction of left wall and being the liberal I am, shot straight through to the heart of possibility. S/he that which is infamous for correctness deserves respect a priori. Further analysis of the stream functioned only to facilitate any the argument unto itself. In the end it was actually sort of fun.
While I apologize for not divulging my exact irregularly patterned thought on this topic, it should be clear the point I am trying to place across. Falibiliality is the key to unlocking the box of secrets someone is obviously holding from us. Arc the logical procedures of concern and find your own path, be it one in plain sight, a beaten trek already preceding you, or one of your own hack and slash makeshiftiness.
Yeah. That about sums it up.